What was written on the hypochondriac's tombstone?
"I told you I was ill"!
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!
What are little ghosts dressed in when it rains?
Boo-ts and ghoul-oshes!
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she!
This woman wanted to marry a ghost. I don't know what possessed her!
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here"!
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?
I don't know but it would slow him down!
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team?
The ghoulscorer!
How does a vampire like his food served?
In bite sized pieces!
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
A coffin break!
What was the Californian vampire hippy like?
He was ghoul man, real ghoul!
Why does Dracula have no friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!
What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!
What did the cannibal mum say to her son who was chasing a missionary?
''Stop playing with your food''!
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!
Why don't cannibals eat weathermen?
Because they give them wind!
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!
Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village?
Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people!
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!
Have you heard about the good weather witch?
She's forecasting sunny spells!
How can you tell when a witch is really ugly?
When a wasp stings her it closes his eyes!
What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a ride!
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen!
How do witches tell the time?
By looking at their witch watches!
What has handles and flies?
A witch in a dustbin!
What is evil and ugly and bounces?
A witch on a trampoline!
What do witches race on?
Vroomsticks!
Why did the witch put her broom in the wash?
She wanted a clean sweep!
What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north!
How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn't take it far enough into the woods!
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it!
What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an 'appy rash!
What happens if you see twin witches?
You won't be able to see which witch is witch!
What is evil and ugly on the inside and green on the outside?
A witch dressed as a cucumber!
What's the witches favourite pop group?
Broomski Beat!
Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?
No one moved, they couldn't stir without her!
Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his sister!
How do you get the most apples when bobbing at Halloween Wear a snorkel!
Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party?
Because the feathers were still on the chicken!
What do stupid kids do at Halloween?
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins!
Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween?
It was for "tick or tweet"!
What do demons have on holiday?
A devil of a time!
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
A wear-wolf!
What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!
Why didn't the skeleton want to play football?
Because his heart wasn't in it!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!